Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
And then he peed in my hair
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