Have you finally orgasmed yet?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
