You made me cry and you don't even care
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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