Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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