My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
