I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
