I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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