the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
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Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
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Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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