shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
