Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
