Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
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They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
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you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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