I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
