Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
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I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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