Quick, to the slutcave!
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
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Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
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We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say