Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
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Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.