I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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