Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
