i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
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he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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