Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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