the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
My vagina is officially offended.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
