i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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