My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
