i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
