I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
