I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
