it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Vodka?
Forever.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
