You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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