That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Randomize
