i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
why is half of my head shaved?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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