Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
