think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
