Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You made out with two different species that night
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.