update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.