If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.