why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
