I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
