When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
