My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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