ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
