I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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