I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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