Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
