$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
