oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
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He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
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I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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