I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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