I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
