You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
