Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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