The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
