Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
