That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He shit in the fireplace
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
