Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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