OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
