Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
