i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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