Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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