Duck Duck Cougar?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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